It's Okay, It's Okay, You Can Run and Tell My City It's On

Summertime was...
M- Work.
T- Work.
W- Work.
Th- Work.
F- Work.
Sa- Work.
Sun- Work.

School year is now...
M- Class. Class.
T- Class. Class.
W- Class. Class. Work.
Th- Class. Class. Work.
F- Work.
Sa- Work.
Sun- Work.

Luckily more and more of the 'Work.'s have been serving and not just cooking so that's a nice change of pace. Also, Jane, Josh, and Brooke are now my neighbors!!

Classes= MW- 9am Science and 11am Philosophy. TTh- 930am Soc and 11am Intro to Theatre.

Regardless, birthday, refund check, and car soon. Day off tomorrow. Life is good.

Wiiiith Arrrms Wide Oooopuhhhhn

Was going to post a bunch of memories with Corey that had been floating in my head buuut I figured I'd post these and show snippets of them.

Prom (05)

Creation

Honestly, if it weren't for Corey...I can't say where I'd be today, and who I would or wouldn't know and love.



PS- Just think about Corey and the title of this blog... hahaha

You Think You Know Me...

On this dayyyy.... lol




So this blog is long. Too long. I dont wanna go through and change anything though cuz I feel like if I typed it, there had to of been a reason. It the story of my life or at least the huge part of my past that makes me who I am today.

You think you know someone, but you can't judge a book by it's cover. If you'd rather not and keep you current perspective of me, click the lil' red X now. Otherwise scroll on my introwebz friends.

Also, be warned that its very long-winded...

And kinda jumps around.... hahaha

The past little while I've been consciously thinking more and more about my family, specifically my "father"'s side.

Rewind.

The past couple months of my life has been filled with drama. Person A dislikes Person B, vice versa, or they just dislike each other. The funny* part is that I'm friends with both people!! Awesome, huh? Well, it's been everywhere, home, work, friends. Luckily, I was able to either tie up the loose ends or just nip it all in the buds recently. I did my hardest not to engulf myself in the drama and came out pretty unscathed I'd say. While I would talk to some of these friends though and make case in points for forgiveness, or talking it out, etc. I would start to think of
my family.
(*by funny I mean fucked up)

Rewind two more months.

The main reason this all started is my Uncle Frank died. He may have been one of the few in my family with a brain. I know this because growing up whenever I would see him at family events, he'd quiz my math skills, vocabulary, or just tell me amazing stories. He was the man. Once again R.I.P. I found out by my mother calling me crying and filling me in on what happened. She wasn't going to any of the showings or the funeral for the sole fact of how shitty my father and his relatives were to her. She then said that if I wanted to go that she supports but to either have Mark and the guys come or have have my thug-a-lug (my term not hers) cousin JR take me.

At first I was like alright. Then I didn't want to. Then I did, but wanted to go alone, then I didn't. And I feel horrible about it. But at the same time, I know I wouldn't have been able to keep my composure had I went, what I would have done I'll get to later. But yeah. Along with that, a bunch of distant relatives through my father have been adding me on myspace...Just more fuel

Continuing back...

(This may be really weird to read esp as I've run all this through my head and have damn near psychoanalyzed myself in the process)

Way back...

I was born Sep 20, 1989 and because of me, John (that's my dad!) left The Sheriff (that's my mom!). (What his reasons were I'm not sure, but legitimately my dad comes from an even more fucked up childhood than at least 95% of you can imagine, seriously)

I grew up in the more run-down parts of Erie. Above a bar (Clacy's? O'Clancys?) with a boyfriend of my mom's (Zach's actual blood father) at one point, with family at another point, if I remember right, idk. Regardless, my mom and dad get married in August of 1997. That was damn near 8 years of life without a Dad to call my own. I'm assuming because of that is why when my parents were together, John was the good cop, Sherri was the...Sheriff, lol. Became really close with him throughout the years, went with him to logging sites, construction areas, the works. He had a good thing going with his construction and landscaping companies along with multiple rental properties. Times were good.

We then proceeded to move to T-Vegas. The reasoning? Extra cash and loans were getting put into Pine Creek Ranch. My mother's dream: A camp for disabled/special needs kids wherein therapeutic horseback riding would be done with all the other stuff that camps do. But yeah, my mother's loves: helping the sick, kids, and horses. Perfect. We had a nice house, a great neighbor, beautiful property with woods, creeks, beaches. You name it. My paradise. (For years to come when I was super stressed or upset I would meditate on the thought of this one spot that only a few people knew about).

There's always gotta be trouble though. It was also in T-Vegas I started to see the cracks in my "Knightly" father's armor. I got to know about his past, the things he's done that I joke about but in all reality are fucked, his relationship with my older half brother Johnny and older sister Jessica and why he wasn't with their mother anymore. Even hearing all this was hard because, nahhh, I know my dad, he's the champ! Until I started to come into awareness of bullshit. Woke up to fighting countless times, dealt with him being a drunkass, got so scared of him one night when I looked out a window and saw him screaming, throwing shit at my Mom and a few close family friends that were there, blow up a lawnmower then bolt for the woods that I went, found Zach, and we hid and wouldn't answer for anyone except my older half-bro Johnny who I looked up to immensely as well Shortly after that was the first time they thought about separating, I couldn't comprehend it at the time and just thought they were doing it to punish Zach and I. I pleaded. I cried. I walked away from them and went and watched TV. Beetlejuice to be precise, then my dad came down and tried to talk to me. I didn't acknowledge his presence. So began the process of Denial/Ignorance of overwhelming issues in my life. They proceeded to make up but every few months there was one problem or another with them.

2001:

In early '01 my parents revealed to me that we were going to be moving back to Mckean (right next to the boro for those who don't know) Dealt with depression bull for a couple years, but it came and passed, lol. Long story short, Grandma's property was about to be lost forever so we moved the whole ranch idea there to save it and had to take loans out to do so.

Freshman Year:

Found out in this year that A: My dad has Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, MS is a medical disorder in which -to simplify- the immune system attacks your own body, and there's different forms, luckily my dad had the worst/rarest one, and B: While in T-Vegas, he had an affair with some trailer trash (Jennifer) that he was doing construction for AND had a kid with her. At least one. It's real fucked up because he would take me and/or my brother with him and we'd hang out with her kids somehwere else in the park while he was “constructing”. He just admitted point B one day and explained to all of us it was a mistake but that he had to tell us, yada yada yada. Still dealt with fights and all the other bull.

Sophomore Year:

Around this time John started having Jennifer over. Right while Zach and I were there! Mind you my parents just had a child (in August), GRACE!, to try and resolidify their marriage. At first he claimed she came around because he wanted to see the kid, etc. etc, but then she started coming around more and more, would bring all her kids, they'd try to hang out with me and my brother but I'd just go to my room and listen to tunes, or play video games. Then he'd go there and even take Grace and/or Zach. I refused to go with him. Ever. But I didn't want my parents to split up. And he knew that. He knew I wouldn't say a word in order to protect my own little world. It was around this time I'd stay with Mark or DJ, etc. as much as possible.

During the same year my father's MS got exponentially worse. Because of this he got bunches of pain meds, OC's, Vic's, Codiene patches. And would take more than necessary and/or sell them to friends. It was fucked. They were so strong that one time I gashed my leg open and he gave me half of a patch to cover it and make it feel better...let's just leave it at they're reeeaally strong. O_O Due to the meds and the MS itself he was going more and more crazy. He was all over the place mentally. I vividly remember him one time spazzing because I didn't frost a cake correctly (wtf?!) and he took it and threw the entire thing at a wall. I shit you not. He was getting stir crazy since he couldn't work anymore and was on disability after a life of constant manual labor all over the place. Oh and my Mother also got pregnant with my baby bro Josh around March-ish.

Summer between 10th/11^th grades:

I was working with one of the druggie friends my dad had because I needed cash so I was roofing, constructing, demo'ing, etc. One day, as I'm rolling onto the site I get The Call. The Sheriff is hysterical asking if my dad had been cheating on her, I was like idk what you're talking about (Yeah, big pussy I know), proceed to hear my dad in the background screaming that he told her everything cuz he didn't give a shit, she was a shitty wife, she can't take care of him because of Grace, Jennifer was better at helping him, yada yada yada (The fight started because apparently he told my mom to get an abortion so she only had to worry about taking care of him and not another newborn and that set my mom off, which set him off). I proceed to tell them I'm at work and don't call me with shit like that. (Seems to follow the trend of ignorance...) Got home, grabbed some stuff and went to my current girlfriend's, Jess Murphy, house for like a week, then went to Camp Venango for a few days. At some point during my leave, my mom called asking where Jennifer lived because my dad took Grace and Zach there and then came back without them. (Zach has a legit addiction to video games and would go there to play them hahahaha) I told her I didn't know and that I wasn't dealing with it. (She called me back later and let me know he brought them back or had them brought back after telling her that she was never going to see them again, and in hindsight I was a piece of shit for being so cold. I think I was mad that they would put me through that so I wanted them to feel my hurt...I suck) Finally about 10-12 days after The Call, I had to deal with it. Found out my Mom was leaving and that she was taking Grace and Zach and that there were gonna be legal custody bullshit involved, but with me I had a choice, I of course picked my mom (Doing something right for once). We went and lived with my Great-Grandma Snow for a couple months and I was suuuper worried I'd spend my last two years of HS in Erie instead of in the Boro. Ended up spending all my time in the Boro staying at Mark's or Jess's or DJ's etc. (Eventually moved to downtown boro to the smallest place I ever lived) A couple times Zach and Grace had to visit thanks to the great Erie courts, and I went with so as to keep an eye on everything. I remember not talking much. If at all. Only when spoken to. I forget exactly what was said, but the second time we visited my Dad made an inappropriate comment joking about taking Grace out to see Jennifer and all them in the future and I def let my mom know about that. After that and the not telling my mom where the kids were before, the courts decided that and visits were up to my mom, so of course they ended...along with seeing any of my pets that were out at the house, and we almost never visited my Grandma Deb since she lived right next door. But she would come down and tell us who had been around, what they would yell at her, etc. She's really nosy when it comes to anything (still to this day) so for once it worked well in our favor. We knew the entire crew of people that were out there, My half-brother, my older sister, and his “posse”.

The last time I went out there to get the rest of my shit the only words said to me, also the last words he ever said to me were, “Jake, I just want you to know that I've written you off.”

Junior Year:

Randomly my dad would call, leave messages, etc. Back and forth between stuff like, I miss you and I love you, to “If you don't take me back I'm going to start killing things, starting with the animals and working up through you and the kids”. I did my best to no think about it...

Nov. 1^st

My Grandma Deb calls and is hysterical...Stormy (My mothers horse she's had since she was two) had been shot and killed in her stall...

Oct. 31^st

To keep it short and sweet- Late at night Johnny (my older brother) went over to my Grandmother's and broke into her barn and shot Stormy point blank with a 9mm and left her in the barn. He had his own slew of problems. If I remember right he was discharged from the army for mental issues, but still thought he was Rambo. Any of my friends that met him know he's been like that forever. He also was constantly trying to prove himself to John. Well there was his big chance. For insult to injury, when G. Deb went out to feed the animals in the morning my Dad sat on the porch of the house and just watched since he could see right over to the barn. Just to see her reaction...

Post-Stormy-

We found out everything from my sister Jessica that was staying out there working as my dad's personal healthcare aide. Pressed charges. Whirlwind of court bullshit. My brother and father were charged with animal abuse/trespassing/conspiracy to commit murder... At the trial I had to testify. Most awkward thing ever. I think I looked at my dad once and that was it. He was trying to counter sue for my mom to pay him support since he's “disabled” with MS.

Annnnd,

that's my dad.

All of this has just been running through my head the past few months. I want to go into Erie where he is and scream at him. I want to question him. I want to hug him. I want to hurt him. It's crazy. Along with me questioning myself, identity, and future. I think I had been suppressing all the thoughts and ignoring them like every other time until all of the events in the past year made me face it. It's weird.

I believe all of this has led to my habits or traits of:

A: Being the nice guy. The peacemaker. I've dealt with confrontation my whole life, or at least been around it if not dealing with it. I think that's why as of late, the moment drama starts up I do my best to nip it or amend the situation. I'm sick of seeing people I care about have to deal with bull.

B: When things get awkward with me personally, I just avoid it at first if possible. Eventually I'll do my best to amend it, but I push it off til I can't anymore.... I'm working on changing this. Truly.

C: Going from being “edge”, to smoking and drinking here and there. I was a mess from last summer to March/April-ish of this year mentally so I would drink and smoke more than I should. I really have gotten better with this and have it to where I don't need it. Just recreationally here and there.

I wrote this entire thing for a few reasons:

1: Therapeutic. I've been needing to get this stuff out of my head for awhile.

2: To show my example of you shouldn't judge or dislike people since you don't know where they come from in life. Their walk of life may be a lot different than you think, possibly even a lot more similar than you think.

3: Just to let people know my story. A lot of people think I'm just Nice Guy Jake. “He's too happy, he must have had a great life!” No. I prefer to lead by example. Overcome. Even if you're feelin crappy do your best to put that smile on. STAY POSI!!! Honestly, my life could have gone a complete different direction, but thanks to friends, my faith, and my amazing mom I prevailed. You have to attach yourself to the positive and cut out the negative.

4: To explain to those who haven't seen me much as of late as to why they haven't been seeing me. I wasn't getting out that much the past few months except for work really. I'd hang with whoever came around here. So people who didn't/don't come around, I lost touch with.

Don't get me wrong i'm glad that I've been hanging with the people I have for the sole fact that most of them are people I was tight with in MS and have gotten to catch up. But I do miss the crucial crew and surrounding co. and have been trying to be around more. Some DBZ here, a little John's visit there, etc etc. I am trying harder though. Promise. If you don't see it or feel it, get on my ass. (That's what she said) Please. Hahah.

Love you guys. :)

The Way I Walk, The Way I Talk, I Cannot Explain...

For the most part. But I know alot of what led to it. I'm working on a blog to post but its huuuge and im not done yet.

My story.

At least a large part of it.

Stay tuned

Look At Her, She Could Be My Super Boo

In a room crazy, sexy, cool
Intellectually sexy, her body is sick, her face is dope
Somethin like a eye candy photo
Hope to God the broad ain't a hoe though ~ Kid Cudi


This is my newest hooked on song, actually, anything of Cudi's is fire. Check it out, he's just now getting bigger but he's only out of Cleveland!! Here's his current "hit" Day N Nite (or at least the remix) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVb_t_ao9gw This vid is effin hilarous!




But idk, the whole good weather thing, paired with the passive desire for a girlfriend seems to resonate with the song Super Boo. Part of me tries to just think it's just the chase I enjoy, but that gets so overdone and played out after a lil while. I honestly want to try my best to find that One, but I know the more one looks, the less one finds, at least when it comes to relationship shtuff.


Whatev. This is gettin lame, haha. Long story short, Game On.



Hmm, what else...






I'll leave you with this for now, and maybe update tomorrow or the day after...

Wait! They Don't Love You Like I Love You! Wait! They Don't Love You Like I Love You!!

Maaaa-aaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaa-aaaaaps. (Maps- Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

That song has been stuck in my head for the past few days. Idk what it is but that song is catchy and great.

My "I" key is being a piece of crap. I kinda fixed it though. But it still sucks. So if there's a weird word or letter just chillin it may need an "I".







So first things first. I haven't hung out with my bros or the crucial dudes in way too long. I've been being lazy and since I rarely am on campus I just bounce between apt and Perkins. I've become a nerd on my comp, whether it's games, tweaking my firefox, or just trolling shit. And that needs to stop. So to those of my brahs that read this drop me a text or something about what's goin down when and where. I don't wanna just be droppin in with it being finals week. To finish this part, I'm sorry guys and I hope to see you soon.




<--- THURSDAY!!! FUCK! BANE! HAVE HEART! HANK JONES! I'm positively effin stoked!! And you should be too!! $12, Doors @ 6, Forward Hall yo! This Is Hardcore!! Honestly though, this show is solid front to back and so worth the 12 dollars. Also personally am stoked for Hank Jones. Alot of people just dismiss them due to their shows the past few times, but I remember the Hank Jones i first saw and am stoked for some old tunes and some rad stage dives. S&M, SN, and Have Heart, I've seen before but the time I saw HH they were rushed, so I'm pumped for a whole set from these guys. BANE! Never seen them, so I am soooo amped for them. My soon to be track listing im WMP until Thursday; Can We Start Again? Her Lucky Pretty Eyes, Both Guns Blazing, Armed With A Mind, Watch Me Sink, This Is Hardcore, Pizza Party, Hands Tied. Pretty legit if you ask me!








Other than (...then? which one goes here?) that stuff, I've just been chillin. Work has been good. Though now with it getting hot out, the kitchen has become a sauna in which jeans, a tee, and an apron must be worn. Funny story; yesterday I tried making a little vent hole in the crotch of my jeans since the ...uh...sweat issue.. can get unruly at work. Well there's a par of jeans gone since I was beng an ass jumpng around and rrRRRRIIIIIIIIIPP! From halfway up the side of the zipper down and up to my ass. But that's not bad considering I had been up since waking from my nap at 9 the night before. Well I'm sure most attention spans are running low now so I'll cut it there. Eff this "I" key.

And It's Been Awhile...

"Since I could...hold my head up high!" Staind lulz

Really though, it's been awhile since I've posted on here, about a week if I'm correct.

I've been done with class now for a week or so. I decided I'll get what I get, and start fresh next semester! (More than likely on Academic Probo O_O) Pretty stupid since I have to pay for all of these classes, but there's worse things that have happened or could happen)


Been listening to pretty much only my old jams from when I lived in T-Vegas. Green Day's Warning album and back, The Offspring's Americana and back, and any old Bloodhound Gang or Usher. Great nice weather tunes. (BTW after a little snooping, Green Day is releasing a new album May 15th, but do yourself a favor and go watch an old music video, your day will more than likely get better)


I gauged my ears up to the 6s. Now I can't get rid of Da Ear Funk. It just needs to heal and be done, haha.

Other things in my life...

Work- Been workin the front and the kitchen, and I gotta say I've been enjoying it. Just found out wage freeze was lifted, time to try for a raise!


Girls- The Lollz of Jericho couldn't contain this Lollocaust. I've decided since finding a rad girl is dang near impossible, the only way I'll even start to waste my time is if they can do this --->


Hangouts/Shows- More in my monitors plzzz.

"Do a Barrel Roll!"

"Never give up! Trust your Instincts!"

Life is still going good.

Classes not so much. To quote Cody, "Mulligan Semester". If only it worked like a real Mulligan O_O

Work is going great. I started in the front last night, and needless to say, I'm pretty stoked on it. A: I don't smell like grease and feel grimy afterwards B: I get to be my personable self more C: I look good dressed up, hahaha.

So Adam decided to enlighten me the other day to the fact I'm an Ectomorph. Apparently I have an overactive metabolism. ....
....
Well duh. hahaha. It's just further reason to work out harder, because if I'm not going to put on weight/muscle mass I should at least try my best to be as cut as possible.

What else...

I just saw a great commercial. In essence it said, "Winter's over. Go grill." Let me say. I'm down as eff!!!

I Wish You Were Heeeeeere!!!

Well, it's been alright lately.

Ended up not going to the show I talked about in the last post. Piss.

Went to the Perkins "Waiting" Party. That was a good time. Helped Maribeth take care of Jeremiah and Brittani. Talked to Taryn and got to hang with her which happens once in a blue moon now so yeah. Got to also hang with Maribeth, Jesse, Taylor, and Daily which was rad.

Hmm.

Last week Danny, Parker and I had a dance party its was alright but most of the people weren't really feeling the dancing. During the course of the party (which wasn't even at my place) my apartment got DESTROYED. Seriously. Shit everywhere, stuff now missing, people puking, Hobby decided to wait until the next day to get tanked and vomit all over the bathroom. But I danced along with like 5-10 other people so it was an alright time.

Hmmmm.

This week, I didn't do anything except workout on Monday. Yesterday, worked and chilled then played some volleyball with the usual people there. Today actually going to all my classes (probably the best April Fools joke [me actually going to them is the joke]). Had a good workout.

Wrestlemania on Sunday. Other than that idk. Trying to get life sorted out right now I guess. Love you guys.

Unhappy With the Riches 'Cause You're Piss Poor Morally

Well I've been up since about six am. Wooo!


Hmm, past few days were aight times.


Chilled, worked, show, Bonertime at DudeRanch, worked, and watched some rad movies. Like this -->


Anywho. Life's been more positive than not lately, so I'm stoked on that. If it were up to me a few things (Relationships [God, Friends, and Girls], and financial situations) would be changed, but it's not so whatev! Woo!


So I'm 99% sure I'm getting my friend Brent's car, Preston, within the next week. Couple trips to Meadville and I'll be set! Hmm, what else should be happening this week... possibly more volleyball on tuesday, I need to withdraw from American Literature II which means I need to see my Advisor (good ol Rodenbrah), TUESDAY!

I almost forgot, and keep forgetting, screw volleyball this week, I'm going to Tuffalo suckas! Ahhhh!! I don't even wanna finish this anymore!!! Just look at this!!

Rollin Down the Street, Smokin Endo, Sippin On Gin and Juice! Laiiiid Back.

I almost dare to say things are going right.
Just to tempt fate.
Last time I posted something like that I said I shouldn't because things would immediately go downhill and people mocked me, but there was definitely a slump following that, hahaha. So there!

But yes.
Weather = Good
Friends = Great
Job = Good and getting better I hope

I love working out.
I love my friends.
I love God for blessing me so much.
I love life.
I love 90's hip-hop/rap.


ATTN: Girls
(I almost said ladies then didn't because A: Most aren't and B: according to Mark it's creepy)
I've decided you're missin out. That's all there is to it, haHA!



So yeah.



Also went to Adagio recently with Parker for moral support, once again, clean as a whistle. I wasn't even worried, had no reason to be, but still just nice to know. I'm definitely luckier then some.

Hmmm.


Can't think of anything else, except that I still want to be doing something musically right now. So get at me if you feel the same, I know of a couple other people that are down, but more is needed. Refer to "A Clockwork Orange" for details.

The Old Me Is Dead and Gone...Dead and Gone

"My Life"

So I've been doing alot of introspection.


Like always.

Right now certain aspects of life are way up, others, not so much.

Highs:
At work- I'm finally getting some leeway with the GM. Soon I'll be training out in the front for a change of scenery while at work, and just to see how the grass is on the other side. Still cooking, but hopefully I can get out to the front to make some pocket cash one or two days a week. Also, if I can prove that I can be serious while at work, maybe management will take me a bit more seriously.


The gym- Slowly but surely, results are showing. For once I've started doing something and have stuck with it. Many people doubted, and it was partially that, partially Adam's and a couple other's encouragement, and lastly me wanting to get jacked that kept me going. I can't thank Adam enough for all the training, support, and advice. (That's not me)-->

Mediums:
With school- Education. :sigh: I want to teach English, I really do, so I'm not going to switch unless I see my GPA drop. Next semester I'm just going to take core classes though to see if I can build up my currently 2.37. If I do switch, it's going to be to either Political Science (in hopes of becoming President) or Psychology (I took extra personal studies of it in HS and enjoyed what I was learning and I'm always hearing people out, so I think it would work).

Lows:

Social Life- I have been hanging out alot, but not enough with people I don't see often and want to see more. I loved the excursion into the depths of Forward Hall with Eli, Casey, and Mark. I want more of that. Also I want to be Nerfing with the crew again. Basically there's a bunch of people I don't see enough; Brent, Cody, Adam, Mark, Whitesauce, Casey, Johnny, Eli, Tom, and others as well. I realize this is partially my fault, but I also rarely know when/where people are doing things.

"more of this"

Girls- Are 99% jokes. For real. I just want to find that one. I guess the big man will send her/ let me know who she is when he feels I need/should have her. But as of now... who knows.

God- I'm not saying he's low on my list. I'm saying that I've definitely been straying. I do my best to talk to him when I can. But lately...

Random:
Dammed Up- Lately I've needed a release. For the longest time it was Guts + Glory. As of now though, I have no outlet whatsoever. I almost wish Herb would've actually tried something just so I could go nuts. Musicians, please refer to my previous blog and get at me if you're down.

Smoking and such- I'm going to smoke a lot less spliff. For real. I need more clarity in my life. As for cigarettes, I'm really going to be doing my best to quit here soon. With working out I'm getting in shape, but I want to be healthy. Legit healthy.

Drinking- I'm only putting this in here for all the people who think I have been alot. Since New Years altogether, maybe 4 or 5 beers. Altogether. I honestly can say, I haven't been drinking at all. Not saying I won't anymore, but it's gonna be a rare sight to see me how I was at Christmas Eve Eve and New Years.

My dad- Lately, I just wonder why. I want to know why everything happened how it did. Why he chose to do what he did. Why he said the things he did. Why God chose to pry my family apart. Honestly, the main reason I didn't go to my Uncle Frank's viewing was because I was scared. I didn't know what would happen, who I'd see, what they'd say, how I'd respond. I don't like not at least having some idea of what's going on. So instead I decided to go smoke the fear away instead. Awesome job Jake.

A Clockwork Orange

So I've been thinking alot lately.

What have I become?

I work 25 hours a week. School for about 15 a week. Workout in between classes.

Free time?? I eat, sleep, and sit around my apartment playing PSP. Hella Lame.

To fix this I have a couple things hopefully:
A: Start making stenciled clothing. Yes I realize everyone is doing this clothing thing, but mine will be aimed at the non-scenesters who don't want googly eyes or mustaches on everything. Eli and I are gettin on this.

B: I really really really really really wanna get a band together. Legitimately.
Fast
Intense
Passionate
like Trial/ Advent/ Gorilla Biscuits
Get at me about this if you feel it.

I also need to get my car so I can do volleyball every Tuesday night. I also think it'd be sweet if we got a dodgeball thing going with the crew down at the UC. Talk to them about setting something up, stocking some of those balls, then using the racquetball courts?? Idk, once again if you feel it get at me.

Limp Bizkit

is back....

On the other hand it's 4:42 am...yeah.

My thoughts on Valentine's Day?


So I've just come to the harsh realization that if a situation could be potentially awesome, but there may be one or two things/people I don't really enjoy or that would make for an overall awkward situation about the whole deal, I'll avoid it all together. I don't really know why either. Wherein I used to be more motivated by that factor since it would normally inspire me to be a bigger sarcastic prick than ever before, I just don't know anymore.

Other than that bull,

My life has become very, very monotonous as of late. A routine if you will, of which I need to break out of. It's not really a bad one, but damn I need some time to let loose. School, Work, School, Workout, Work, School...lame as hell. And even with all this work I'm probably going to end up switching majors...

On a brighter note, gonna bro-lax later at B-Dubs later for the No Way Out PPV.

Hmm, more positive stuff...

Working out has been good. Feels good, and I know it'll be good in the long run.

But I work in a couple hours so I'mma try to get some more sleep??

My Itinerary

Seems to always follow as such...

Meet cool girl

Hang out for a couple months

Seems to be feelings of maybe a relationship...?

NOOOOT!

Woooo!! For real, either A: I need to stop deluding my self or B: Lower my standards.


No way I'm doing B... lol

Mic Check, Coke check...

Workin out.

Schoolin school.

Doing Work.

Get some!!!

MUSCLE MIIIILK!

So today begins the journey of Jake getting jacked. Started the whole workout thing, being advised/trained by Adam. Mark came and joined as well. It felt great, but man I know I'll be whooped tomorrow, hahaha.

What else...

Started getting my rap project underway. Invested in some quality "bling." haha
Gold 30mm rope chain that's 34in. long
Two finger ring that says POSI
A pinky ring with a huge rock on it
A grill with gold teeth and "diamonds" on each tooth
Earrings with huge rocks

...
...yeahhh.

Other than that, just been doing the work and school thing. Same ol, same ol.

But yeah, add the rapspace - myspace.com/jakedposi

Blow Off My Dick

The past couple days have been pretty uneventful, I'll hit some highlights though.

Hobby and I have invested some good probably 20 hours in Tony Hawk's Underground 2.

Seriously, and he only beat me like twice when I wasn't really trying, hahah.

Yesterday we (Danny, Hobby, Cali, Leroy, Jesse Irvin, Jake Dzara, and a few others) had a couple huge bitchin snowball fights, followed by John's. We dug out some huuuuge trenches/forts and proceeded to rock the other team. (It was apartment vs. apt so Danny, Hobby, Cali, Leroy, and I vs the rest)

All I have been listening to has been Dirt Nasty, Mickey Avalon, Andre Legacy, Beardo, and their collaboration Dyslexic Speedreaders. Check out any or all of them.


I talked to Nick down at Game Over and the leg sleeve has been set in motion. He's pretty stoked on it which means it's gonna be sweet as hell. If I haven't explained it to you, it's going to be a skull with seven snakes coming out of it, one for each of the seven deadly sins with kinda cartoony features. (Pride= Purple cobra with a crown, Envy= green, Lust= pink with girly eyelashes, etc.) The skull will be on my knee with the snakes going all around my leg. Around the ankle right below the lowest snakes will be "Get Out Of My Father's House"(-Seventh Star).

Other than that I work later tonight and both morning this weekend. I'm looking forward to hanging with RonRon, the Prom 09 Party at the girls' place, and the Super Bowl Party? Should be a good weekend. I'm now 1700 richer (with 5 to 6 hundred going straight to bills). I also need to file my tax returns asap so I can have more cash. I'm just rambling now so I'll leave you with that.

Past couple days: 7/10

My Neighbors Are Fucking Above Me, As In Screwing...

For real.

Continuing...

Woke up and felt like crap (Still having caffeine withdrawal headaches)
Skipped my first three classes.
Headed to Campus for lunch.
Found out refund checks come this weekend!!!
Ate a whole pizza for lunch. (Approx a medium at most pizza places)
Went to Am Lit Deuce and did my best not to fall asleep.
Went to the Library for a Caramel Macchiato (at right) and web-surfing.
Attended my two and a half hour Education in a Multicultural Society class.
Came home, chilled, whooped Hobby at some Def Jam.
Adam took me to Casey's and we watched Raw.
Randy Orton makes me kinda gay.
Home again, falling asleep to the sweet sounds of Anthony Green, Iron and Wine, my ceiling creaking/shaking, and the chick moaning...

Overall: 5/10 day

PS- I think I can hear balls slapping...fuck me...not literally

PS

I really really miss this.
Alot.

Fuck me.

Hmm...past couple days...

I obviously haven't been updating so I hope to remember most of the stuff that have happened.

Nah, I'll just touch on the important stuff...

Friday-

Also jacked my hand playing Adam in air hockey.

Right hand.

8/10


Saturday- Worked in the morning. Quested to record Tim's* laugh.

Failed

On my way to work I fell on some jagged ice and my arm is jacked the hell up now.

Right arm.

After that watched Zach and Miri with Roni, went to the Hangout. I really feel Tony's stuff alot, I dig. Then went to Roni's and watched a German Flick, "Run, Lola, Run." Twas good.

Roni hated it but i think she was too hyper and the movie wasn't up to pace with her (even with Lola running almost the whole time.

7/10 (woulda been alot better buuuut the ice thing)


Today:
I'm posting today's now with predictions on how it'll be due to the fact once I get back I'll prolly be needing to read and such.
-Woke up at 9ish to The Sherrif and the babies.
-Sherrif checked out my arm biz.
-Went to BK and had breakfast.

They're cute little monsters.

-Went to Giant Eagle and bought groceries.
-Chillin with Hobby and Eli resting the arm

Rest of the day:
-Goin to BDubs to watch the Royal Rumble with bros.
-Read a fuuuuckton for classes tomorrow.

I'm predicting a 8/10 day overall

PS: I still haven't decided what I want to turn this into, I kind of want to emulate the "Awesome Blog" I found but just thing that relate to me and people around me, but I also want to find my own niche. I also might jsut start a whole other one for the other purpose I figure out and keep this one as a journal-esque blog in whcih I find the posi in my days.

Lyrics.

So Sorry

Life with no route, please show me a way out
of this vicious cycle, in which I am stuck
Day out and Day in, I'm drowning in sin
I need some help to keep my head above water

I'm starting to gain ground
Was lost then was found
Only to hear the 10 count
And know that I've lost this round

Save me, from myself
I am my, worst obstacle

Stubbornness, always taking the lead
Friends offer warning, Me not paying heed
You think I would learn, by now at this point
Hindsight is perfect after committing the deed

This is my formal apology
Know that I listen and care what you say
This is my formal apology
I really do love you despite what I do
This is my formal apology
Hopefully I'll act on your words one day.


To Whom It May Concern

Cross my heart, and pray to die
If you're not always at my side
Keepin me sane, and on the right track:
The fact I know you have my back

You guys, are the reason I breathe
and take life for all I can
If it, weren't for you
None of this would even be worth it!

I on-ly hope
that no matter what
happens in our lives
that we stay true to the end
to each other,
my brothers!

It's all for one!
And all for one!
Standing by each other!
We'll ne-ver fall!

ALL FOR ONE!
ONE FOR ALL!
WITHOUT YOU!
I'D SURELY FALL!


Crack-a-Lack

Positive til the day I die
With this outlook I'll always fly high
No one, can tell me, the glass is, half empty
and even, if so, just see it, half full

It's a way to feel, and how you react
Not just a goofy stupid scene act
But we, all get, upset, once in awhile
Just do, your best, to rise above and crack a smile!

POSITIVE!
Til the day I die!
POSITIVE!
I'll always fly high!


Bite The Bullet

My chips are low and the stakes are high
I've got just a bit more than to match the blind
I'm gonna man up, and go all-in
It seems like everyone is calling my bluff
The rest of this game is gonna be rough

IT'S TIMES LIKE THESE
I wish I woulda stayed in, and took the night off
TIMES LIKE THESE
Maybe I've let my attitude go soft

All I can do is sit back and watch the cards unfold
This game is outta my hands and the other players are cold
Time for the flop, the river, now I'm up shit river
Without a paddle this is such a hassle

ITS TIMES LIKE THESE
That I know I shoulda never sat in on this game
TIMES LIKE THESE
When I shoulda just stopped and thought for a minute

Now that I'm leaving the table and see the chip leader's stack
I look at myself, thank God there's still a shirt on my back
And even if I lost this round, I that therell be more
Maybe then I'll try harder and won't bite the bullet


Where to Start
As I travel down this path I chose
I anticipate all the hardships thrown at me
Then I embrace it because I know
That this road is nothing put next to the trials my Father had

Wandering through life I know I have to hold STEADFAST
in my faith and everything I do OTHERWISE
I will stumble and lose my way BECAUSE
It's way to easy
To lose sight in these times
We don't know the day or time
Only where to start
It starts at the heart!


The Silver Lining

In a world so drained of color
And filled with apathy
One can see
A setting of black and white
And all the shades of grays
While time just flies on by
Not caring about the stale monotone world
We make, for ourselves

We need to see, THE SILVER LINING
Though the shadows and all the dirt
Time to look for, THE SILVER LINING
Along those dark and dreary clouds

When things seem bleak, you gotta move on
Go and lay down, and wait for dawn
'Cause with a new day brings new things
One event can change the pace of your life
Take a step back and take it all in
Otherwise you'll run outta fuel and then you'll be stallin'

You think it's hard to see, THE SILVER LINING
Look at the big picture, frame and all
Then you'll view THE SILVER LINING
and maybe for once be happy with life.


Shoulda Known

As we lay next to each other
I try to whisper sweet nothings into your ear
But grunts and moans are all that you want to hear
From the first moment, all you wanted was dicks
You think I woulda known from all the bedroom tricks

All the words you spoke
And stories you told
Should have warned me in the beginning

That was then, and this is now
I can read between the lines, and see you're foul
Get out of my life, you useless whore
I'm throwin you out, and lockin' the door

The venom you spew is worthless lies
Only shown up, by what's between your thighs
One spot of attention, you're on your knees
Begging for cock, saying now and please

I know all your stunts, We've played this game
You come crawling back, but results are the same
Get out of my life, you useless whore
I'm throwin you out, and lockin the door




As I write more I'll post them with these ones and bump it

Some direction?

I'm going to start doing something more productive than just recaps of my days, just you wait and see. Idk what yet, but I will. After this blog I'm going to post the lyrics I've done up just to have em somewhere else, maybe I'll turn this into a writing outlet of that kind? We'll see.

As for today!

Woke up and went down bought cigs and a Red Bull before work. Show up like 15 minutes late, but that's whatev. Was kind of bored but found ways to have fun. Talked with Bueller about WWE, talked with the old servers...about them being old, haha, harassed Bri and Stace, and did my best to sing all the most annoying things on the Perkins Playlist to mess with Parsons and Rrrrrrandy!

Worked til about 2, went to Taco Hell and saw Johnny, Will, and the Germ. Dealt with Marjorie harassing me about not bringing pancakes. Got back to my apartment arooound 3ish from getting a ride from Colin who I used to work with, so we caught up, that was rad.

Ate a bunch of food and slept tiiiil 8ish? Toni and Jackie stopped by and woke me up to say hi, then peaced. Then I was wide awake, watched Angels in the Outfield. That cast is loaded!!
Danny Glover, Christopher Lloyd, Tony Danza, Matt McCoughnahey, Adrian Brody, like holy crap.

Now here I am getting ready to read after finishing up my introweb biz.

Highlights:
Having WWE talks with multiple co-workers
A-Ha
Awesome Food
Nap
Angels in the Outfield

Lowlights:
Lunch Rush
Sleeping sooo long
"Ol' Dick"

Overall: 7/10 Day

PS- Gonna update other stuff too!

Even more lolz

I'm going to post later, but went thru the old Xanga....

i was a faaaaggot, hahaha, at least with the "loooOOOoove" thing, hahahahaha

Here it goes (PS the me then woulda hated the me now....I feel so SLC Punk, hahaha)

Mood~Tired But Full of Adreanaline<---Spelling? Listening to~Vanilla Ice~Ice Ice Baby Wow, the show was awesome. Right at the beginning tony told me kristin's mom was bein uber-cunt, so that was kinda dissapointing. I love her so much. Tradesmen=rocked. Brain Failure= Freakin AMazing, I <3 ramallah=" good">
	9:59 PM - 1 view - 4 eprops - 2 comments - email it

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Mood~ Uber-Awesome Listening to~Atreyu-Bleeding Mascara Alrighty, I woke up, did some chores then chilled. I talked to Kristin online. Took a shower and cleaned up, shaved, the works. Umm...Picked Kristin up and gave her her presents, Chocolates, BathSet, and FISHNETS! We then went to Pufferbelly's. It was pretty good, everything about it. Since my mom was late, we went to Media Play and chilled til the next showing of Wedding Date. The movie wasn't that bad. Yes we actually watched it. Cept there were Stupid Freshmen behind us and when ever Kristin and I got closer they were all giggly. Stupid freshmen... Um, Then we went to her house I got My presents, a Balloon, card, And a COOKIE! That says I love You! I was...BEYOND happy. It's yummy. Plus I LOVE her. Alot. Well that's all for now. Peace,Love, Happiness to all~Jake D

9:18 PM - 1 view - add eprops - add comments - email it

	Mood~PUMPED! Listening to~My Dogs Make Noises In The Basement Today is the day. To RULE all days! Today Me and Kristin are goin on an "official" date!. That's all I'm sayin for now. P,L,H,~Jake D
	11:44 AM - 1 view - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Mood~Yay. Listening to~FM 95 Last night was sweet. First I went to Mark's with Kelly. So it was Me, Mark, Kelly, and Mark's bro Cory. We watched SLC Punk and Dayne Cook DVD(comedian), Had a lil grindcore session with an amp/mic dealio that was very shcktastic. I sang/screamed about random things. I talked with Kristin while I was ther. I still need to figure out what we're doin morrow. ARGH. I love her though, she knows how to push my buttons soooo far, then let off b4 i get mad,. lol. Hmmm. Mark's mom was late, he was kinda mad, and i see where he's comin from, my dad is late constantly. Got to the party for Brent's b-day. Saw Many people I havent i awhile, Shelby, Beav, Will, Nikki, Corey The Obese, DJ, Tyler, Jes, Stef, English Nate, Casey, Carissa, Brent of course, Mark, Me, Kelli, Kelly, Maia, Kayla, Jessi, Mindie, Jake Hill, Corey the Non-Talker, A kid that said he was black. When I first got there i was in the door then out. Kayla and a couple others went outside and chilled. After we drew a good 8ish more ppl into out "Group" (which ended up being all people i know from hangout, that aren't "punk") Then our group went to the under constuction house and hng out and talked, but eventually moved into the trailerish house and into Kayla's room. I walked back an forth between the groups. Listened/Chimed in on a debate/conversation on politics that evolved into religion (who woulda thought?). That was being spoke into by me a lil, Tyler, Corey, Nikki, Mark, and Will Paul. Will I'd hafta say was the one who could back his shit up the most, well, him, mark, and Nikki all could really could. Tyler and Corey...eh. Is was cool talking to Will afterwards cuz we were friends when i lived in titusville. So it's all cool. Hmmm...what else? I finger painted with Kayla Knight. That was fun, lol. She's cool. Alot of the people left around the same time though. I helped Kayla clean up a lil since she fed me lol, i had a bagel since all i had had was a piece or two of cake. My stomach almost IMploded. Um, I kickboxed with Brent since we were goin' soufpole lol. He started the kicking though, but once he saw my monster boots, he kinda just was like eh after a couple more punches. (we had some inflatable boxing glove thingys, lol) Dj was jammin on bass randomly. Kelly was jus chillin out, but then I found out she gave beav her number and that she woulda made out with him, I was like wow...whore. lol. Shelby was hacking up a lung, I felt so bad for her cuz she's normally one of the cheeriest people around, but her sickliness was hindering the joy. Mark was pretty cool, hearing the fight story, which idk why i didnt hear the fight itself, was interesting, too much drama tween mark and stef, they either need to get together, or separte completely. Idk, not my place i guess. then i got a ride home with DJ, and went to BED! That was yesterday. Today, i slept in til noonish. yay. Got up and helped unload lumber from my dad's truck. Went shopping for V-day presents. I hope I figure out soon wut me and Kristin are doing morrow, so her mom doesn't fag it all up. Got a webcam, lol. I screwed around with the settings and shit for awhile. Its all funnish. Now I'm typing this. Peace,Love,Happiness to everyone~Jake D