On this dayyyy.... lol
So this blog is long. Too long. I dont wanna go through and change anything though cuz I feel like if I typed it, there had to of been a reason. It the story of my life or at least the huge part of my past that makes me who I am today.
You think you know someone, but you can't judge a book by it's cover. If you'd rather not and keep you current perspective of me, click the lil' red X now. Otherwise scroll on my introwebz friends.
Also, be warned that its very long-winded...
And kinda jumps around.... hahaha
The past little while I've been consciously thinking more and more about my family, specifically my "father"'s side.
Rewind.
The past couple months of my life has been filled with drama. Person A dislikes Person B, vice versa, or they just dislike each other. The funny* part is that I'm friends with both people!! Awesome, huh? Well, it's been everywhere, home, work, friends. Luckily, I was able to either tie up the loose ends or just nip it all in the buds recently. I did my hardest not to engulf myself in the drama and came out pretty unscathed I'd say. While I would talk to some of these friends though and make case in points for forgiveness, or talking it out, etc. I would start to think of
my family.
(*by funny I mean fucked up)
Rewind two more months.
The main reason this all started is my Uncle Frank died. He may have been one of the few in my family with a brain. I know this because growing up whenever I would see him at family events, he'd quiz my math skills, vocabulary, or just tell me amazing stories. He was the man. Once again R.I.P. I found out by my mother calling me crying and filling me in on what happened. She wasn't going to any of the showings or the funeral for the sole fact of how shitty my father and his relatives were to her. She then said that if I wanted to go that she supports but to either have Mark and the guys come or have have my thug-a-lug (my term not hers) cousin JR take me.
At first I was like alright. Then I didn't want to. Then I did, but wanted to go alone, then I didn't. And I feel horrible about it. But at the same time, I know I wouldn't have been able to keep my composure had I went, what I would have done I'll get to later. But yeah. Along with that, a bunch of distant relatives through my father have been adding me on myspace...Just more fuel
Continuing back...
(This may be really weird to read esp as I've run all this through my head and have damn near psychoanalyzed myself in the process)
Way back...
I was born Sep 20, 1989 and because of me, John (that's my dad!) left The Sheriff (that's my mom!). (What his reasons were I'm not sure, but legitimately my dad comes from an even more fucked up childhood than at least 95% of you can imagine, seriously)
I grew up in the more run-down parts of Erie. Above a bar (Clacy's? O'Clancys?) with a boyfriend of my mom's (Zach's actual blood father) at one point, with family at another point, if I remember right, idk. Regardless, my mom and dad get married in August of 1997. That was damn near 8 years of life without a Dad to call my own. I'm assuming because of that is why when my parents were together, John was the good cop, Sherri was the...Sheriff, lol. Became really close with him throughout the years, went with him to logging sites, construction areas, the works. He had a good thing going with his construction and landscaping companies along with multiple rental properties. Times were good.
We then proceeded to move to T-Vegas. The reasoning? Extra cash and loans were getting put into Pine Creek Ranch. My mother's dream: A camp for disabled/special needs kids wherein therapeutic horseback riding would be done with all the other stuff that camps do. But yeah, my mother's loves: helping the sick, kids, and horses. Perfect. We had a nice house, a great neighbor, beautiful property with woods, creeks, beaches. You name it. My paradise. (For years to come when I was super stressed or upset I would meditate on the thought of this one spot that only a few people knew about).
There's always gotta be trouble though. It was also in T-Vegas I started to see the cracks in my "Knightly" father's armor. I got to know about his past, the things he's done that I joke about but in all reality are fucked, his relationship with my older half brother Johnny and older sister Jessica and why he wasn't with their mother anymore. Even hearing all this was hard because, nahhh, I know my dad, he's the champ! Until I started to come into awareness of bullshit. Woke up to fighting countless times, dealt with him being a drunkass, got so scared of him one night when I looked out a window and saw him screaming, throwing shit at my Mom and a few close family friends that were there, blow up a lawnmower then bolt for the woods that I went, found Zach, and we hid and wouldn't answer for anyone except my older half-bro Johnny who I looked up to immensely as well Shortly after that was the first time they thought about separating, I couldn't comprehend it at the time and just thought they were doing it to punish Zach and I. I pleaded. I cried. I walked away from them and went and watched TV. Beetlejuice to be precise, then my dad came down and tried to talk to me. I didn't acknowledge his presence. So began the process of Denial/Ignorance of overwhelming issues in my life. They proceeded to make up but every few months there was one problem or another with them.
2001:
In early '01 my parents revealed to me that we were going to be moving back to Mckean (right next to the boro for those who don't know) Dealt with depression bull for a couple years, but it came and passed, lol. Long story short, Grandma's property was about to be lost forever so we moved the whole ranch idea there to save it and had to take loans out to do so.
Freshman Year:
Found out in this year that A: My dad has Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, MS is a medical disorder in which -to simplify- the immune system attacks your own body, and there's different forms, luckily my dad had the worst/rarest one, and B: While in T-Vegas, he had an affair with some trailer trash (Jennifer) that he was doing construction for AND had a kid with her. At least one. It's real fucked up because he would take me and/or my brother with him and we'd hang out with her kids somehwere else in the park while he was “constructing”. He just admitted point B one day and explained to all of us it was a mistake but that he had to tell us, yada yada yada. Still dealt with fights and all the other bull.
Sophomore Year:
Around this time John started having Jennifer over. Right while Zach and I were there! Mind you my parents just had a child (in August), GRACE!, to try and resolidify their marriage. At first he claimed she came around because he wanted to see the kid, etc. etc, but then she started coming around more and more, would bring all her kids, they'd try to hang out with me and my brother but I'd just go to my room and listen to tunes, or play video games. Then he'd go there and even take Grace and/or Zach. I refused to go with him. Ever. But I didn't want my parents to split up. And he knew that. He knew I wouldn't say a word in order to protect my own little world. It was around this time I'd stay with Mark or DJ, etc. as much as possible.
During the same year my father's MS got exponentially worse. Because of this he got bunches of pain meds, OC's, Vic's, Codiene patches. And would take more than necessary and/or sell them to friends. It was fucked. They were so strong that one time I gashed my leg open and he gave me half of a patch to cover it and make it feel better...let's just leave it at they're reeeaally strong. O_O Due to the meds and the MS itself he was going more and more crazy. He was all over the place mentally. I vividly remember him one time spazzing because I didn't frost a cake correctly (wtf?!) and he took it and threw the entire thing at a wall. I shit you not. He was getting stir crazy since he couldn't work anymore and was on disability after a life of constant manual labor all over the place. Oh and my Mother also got pregnant with my baby bro Josh around March-ish.
Summer between 10th/11th grades:
I was working with one of the druggie friends my dad had because I needed cash so I was roofing, constructing, demo'ing, etc. One day, as I'm rolling onto the site I get The Call. The Sheriff is hysterical asking if my dad had been cheating on her, I was like idk what you're talking about (Yeah, big pussy I know), proceed to hear my dad in the background screaming that he told her everything cuz he didn't give a shit, she was a shitty wife, she can't take care of him because of Grace, Jennifer was better at helping him, yada yada yada (The fight started because apparently he told my mom to get an abortion so she only had to worry about taking care of him and not another newborn and that set my mom off, which set him off). I proceed to tell them I'm at work and don't call me with shit like that. (Seems to follow the trend of ignorance...) Got home, grabbed some stuff and went to my current girlfriend's, Jess Murphy, house for like a week, then went to Camp Venango for a few days. At some point during my leave, my mom called asking where Jennifer lived because my dad took Grace and Zach there and then came back without them. (Zach has a legit addiction to video games and would go there to play them hahahaha) I told her I didn't know and that I wasn't dealing with it. (She called me back later and let me know he brought them back or had them brought back after telling her that she was never going to see them again, and in hindsight I was a piece of shit for being so cold. I think I was mad that they would put me through that so I wanted them to feel my hurt...I suck) Finally about 10-12 days after The Call, I had to deal with it. Found out my Mom was leaving and that she was taking Grace and Zach and that there were gonna be legal custody bullshit involved, but with me I had a choice, I of course picked my mom (Doing something right for once). We went and lived with my Great-Grandma Snow for a couple months and I was suuuper worried I'd spend my last two years of HS in Erie instead of in the Boro. Ended up spending all my time in the Boro staying at Mark's or Jess's or DJ's etc. (Eventually moved to downtown boro to the smallest place I ever lived) A couple times Zach and Grace had to visit thanks to the great Erie courts, and I went with so as to keep an eye on everything. I remember not talking much. If at all. Only when spoken to. I forget exactly what was said, but the second time we visited my Dad made an inappropriate comment joking about taking Grace out to see Jennifer and all them in the future and I def let my mom know about that. After that and the not telling my mom where the kids were before, the courts decided that and visits were up to my mom, so of course they ended...along with seeing any of my pets that were out at the house, and we almost never visited my Grandma Deb since she lived right next door. But she would come down and tell us who had been around, what they would yell at her, etc. She's really nosy when it comes to anything (still to this day) so for once it worked well in our favor. We knew the entire crew of people that were out there, My half-brother, my older sister, and his “posse”.
The last time I went out there to get the rest of my shit the only words said to me, also the last words he ever said to me were, “Jake, I just want you to know that I've written you off.”
Junior Year:
Randomly my dad would call, leave messages, etc. Back and forth between stuff like, I miss you and I love you, to “If you don't take me back I'm going to start killing things, starting with the animals and working up through you and the kids”. I did my best to no think about it...
Nov. 1st
My Grandma Deb calls and is hysterical...Stormy (My mothers horse she's had since she was two) had been shot and killed in her stall...
Oct. 31st
To keep it short and sweet- Late at night Johnny (my older brother) went over to my Grandmother's and broke into her barn and shot Stormy point blank with a 9mm and left her in the barn. He had his own slew of problems. If I remember right he was discharged from the army for mental issues, but still thought he was Rambo. Any of my friends that met him know he's been like that forever. He also was constantly trying to prove himself to John. Well there was his big chance. For insult to injury, when G. Deb went out to feed the animals in the morning my Dad sat on the porch of the house and just watched since he could see right over to the barn. Just to see her reaction...
Post-Stormy-
We found out everything from my sister Jessica that was staying out there working as my dad's personal healthcare aide. Pressed charges. Whirlwind of court bullshit. My brother and father were charged with animal abuse/trespassing/conspiracy to commit murder... At the trial I had to testify. Most awkward thing ever. I think I looked at my dad once and that was it. He was trying to counter sue for my mom to pay him support since he's “disabled” with MS.
Annnnd,
that's my dad.
All of this has just been running through my head the past few months. I want to go into Erie where he is and scream at him. I want to question him. I want to hug him. I want to hurt him. It's crazy. Along with me questioning myself, identity, and future. I think I had been suppressing all the thoughts and ignoring them like every other time until all of the events in the past year made me face it. It's weird.
I believe all of this has led to my habits or traits of:
A: Being the nice guy. The peacemaker. I've dealt with confrontation my whole life, or at least been around it if not dealing with it. I think that's why as of late, the moment drama starts up I do my best to nip it or amend the situation. I'm sick of seeing people I care about have to deal with bull.
B: When things get awkward with me personally, I just avoid it at first if possible. Eventually I'll do my best to amend it, but I push it off til I can't anymore.... I'm working on changing this. Truly.
C: Going from being “edge”, to smoking and drinking here and there. I was a mess from last summer to March/April-ish of this year mentally so I would drink and smoke more than I should. I really have gotten better with this and have it to where I don't need it. Just recreationally here and there.
I wrote this entire thing for a few reasons:
1: Therapeutic. I've been needing to get this stuff out of my head for awhile.
2: To show my example of you shouldn't judge or dislike people since you don't know where they come from in life. Their walk of life may be a lot different than you think, possibly even a lot more similar than you think.
3: Just to let people know my story. A lot of people think I'm just Nice Guy Jake. “He's too happy, he must have had a great life!” No. I prefer to lead by example. Overcome. Even if you're feelin crappy do your best to put that smile on. STAY POSI!!! Honestly, my life could have gone a complete different direction, but thanks to friends, my faith, and my amazing mom I prevailed. You have to attach yourself to the positive and cut out the negative.
4: To explain to those who haven't seen me much as of late as to why they haven't been seeing me. I wasn't getting out that much the past few months except for work really. I'd hang with whoever came around here. So people who didn't/don't come around, I lost touch with.
Don't get me wrong i'm glad that I've been hanging with the people I have for the sole fact that most of them are people I was tight with in MS and have gotten to catch up. But I do miss the crucial crew and surrounding co. and have been trying to be around more. Some DBZ here, a little John's visit there, etc etc. I am trying harder though. Promise. If you don't see it or feel it, get on my ass. (That's what she said) Please. Hahah.
Love you guys. :)
I think about this guy... alot
